In the Shadows
by stardust2002
Summary: How can two people who were once so close get so far apart? And can they ever come together again? Spoilers for the second half of season two perhaps more later on. The 'triangle' Lee, Kara, Dee. NOW COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Set approximately one month into the future. Spoilers for Scar, Sacrifice and Black Market. Also spoilers for the Lee - Dee relationship (which really isn't much of a secret anymore, is it?). I know I've found BSG's latest way of telling stories to be annoying (starting in the present and jumping back in time), but this story seemed to need it, so my apologies if you're as tired of this as I am.

**ooooooooooooo**

Lee pushed open the hatch, heart pounding in anticipation of spending some quality rack time with Dee. They hadn't had many opportunities to be alone together since the beginning of their relationship, but this evening he was pretty sure the bunkroom would be deserted.

"Voila," he said with a flourish, as he ushered her into the senior officer's quarters. Unfortunately his prediction that the bunkroom would be empty was proven wrong. Starbuck was passed out on the floor beside her bunk.

Lee sighed and pushed past Dee, who had stopped in surprise, and knelt beside the prone woman. "Oh Kara," he whispered, shaking his head with pity. "What are you doing? You're going to kill yourself one of these days." He slapped her cheek gently to bring her round. It was then he realized she wasn't breathing. "Oh gods," he breathed, face paling. He felt for a pulse but found none. "Oh my gods! She's not breathing ..."

**oooooooooooooo**

**One month earlier ...**

Starbuck. He was calling her Starbuck now. Not Kara. How ironic. It used to be that they had trouble remembering to call each other by their callsigns when they were flying, but now, even in their off-duty hours he called her Starbuck.

And why wouldn't he, really? A line had been crossed in their relationship. One they'd been skating awfully close to for months, but now that it had been crossed, there was no going back. Their night of drunken almost-intimacy had changed things between them forever. _No, you did by rushing things. He was more than keen on the idea - if you'd only have let things unfold as they would and kept your mouth shut, everything would have worked out. And you'd likely be repeating it by now too!_ But she knew that while it would have given her a temporary release from her guilt and frustration about Anders, it wouldn't solve the problem. Only going back to Caprica and rescuing him would do that. But then again, would that really be a good thing? She knew that despite her firm assertion that there was nothing between her and Lee, there was. Always had been - always would be. They were like magnets - even when they _wanted _ to stay apart, they were drawn to each other. Bringing Anders into the picture could only cause trouble. Keeping the two men she had feelings for apart was a much better idea.

_Two-timer, _she thought, then quashed it with another shot. Didn't need to be thinking those thoughts. Then again, with things as aloof as they were with Lee, what did it matter how she felt about him? He'd given her the chance - she'd frakked it up. _As usual. _ There was obviously not going to be another. Maybe bringing Anders back _was _a good idea - at least then she'd have a chance at happiness. He hadn't led her on then pulled back when things got fast and furious. He'd welcomed it. He was a very passionate man, and not afraid to show it - unlike Lee, who always kept himself tightly under control. 'Captain Tightass', the nuggets had taken to calling him behind his back. But he probably knew and didn't care. Not much was kept secret around here.

She finished her bottle and stood up, somewhat unsteadily, remaining still till the world stopped spinning. _Time to hit my rack. Hopefully I'm wasted enough to actually sleep. _But sleep had been elusive for her lately. First it was visions of Anders - their time alone together, their goodbye, and her promise to return for him. Then it was dreams of Scar - blowing her and everyone else to smithereens. Now it was of her and Lee, reliving their one night of passion. It reduced her to tears every time, thinking about how it ended and how it _could _have ended if she hadn't been honest with him. _Whoever said honesty is the best policy was full of bullshit, _she thought, as she made her way down the corridor to the bunkroom.

She turned the last corner and abruptly stopped. Two people were standing close, very close, just outside the bunkroom door. Lee. And ... Dee. Lee and Dee? No, that just wasn't possible was it? Never seemed like there was anything there ... _well obviously there is now._ He had one hand on the bulkhead behind her while the other touched her cheek. Kara wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying, but even though she was drunk, she could read their body language loud and clear. She watched for about two seconds longer - just long enough to see Lee lean in and kiss her - and she turned and stalked off in the opposite direction.

_That bastard! Not five days ago he was willing to frak me and now he's after her? What happened to 'what about us' hey Lee? Obviously I was right - there is no us! _She was fuming. How could he betray her like this? He was _always _the one she could count on to be there for her. _No, you just liked it when he acted like a puppy on a leash, adoring you even though you went elsewhere. Fed your ego to know the great Apollo was so head over heels for you that he'd never even look at another woman. _ But obviously he had been looking. It seemed like he was going to be doing more than just looking soon too.

She flounced into the pilot's rec, grabbed another bottle of ambrosia and sat heavily on the chair she'd so recently vacated. She drank until the world began to disappear and she fell forwards, passed out on the table for the night.

**oooooooooooooo**

**Three days later ...**

She walked silently through Lifestation, hoping not to disturb him by the plodding of her boots. Her heart bled - she'd shot Lee. She'd _shot _Lee and nearly killed him! No matter that it had been an accident, no matter that the old man had forgiven her and told her it wasn't her fault, she couldn't forgive herself. She'd shot Lee - critically wounded one of the only people left who meant something to her. 'Sure-shot Starbuck' - yeah, right. Maybe she'd still have that title if Lee hadn't picked the wrong moment to throw himself at one of the kidnappers. _Who are you kidding Kara? There's always that split second before you pull the trigger - you saw Lee begin to move - you should have waited!_

She stopped dead. Dee was sitting by his side. That figured. She'd come to apologize, to be with the the man she'd hurt so badly and in so many ways, and there was Dee, holding his hand and whispering sweet nothings to him. _She _should be the one there with him! Her anger flared and she began to move, but then Lee's eyes fluttered open. He saw Dee there beside him, smiled weakly and moved his hand to touch hers. Kara's heart sank. He had Dee now - she was unnecessary. The final piece of her heart that had Lee's name etched into it shattered, and she walked away unnoticed.

**ooooooooooooo**

Two days had gone by and still she hadn't been to see him again. She knew that if she did, she would break down and tell him how she felt, how much he meant to her. And that was just a one-way ticket to more pain. _Sure, tell him you love him - see if he'll believe you after you tried to screw him while thinking of another man and then a few days later you shoot him. He'd have to be a fool to want to have _anything _to do with you!_

She'd decided it was time though, and made sure not to have anything to drink. She needed to be clear-headed in order not to frak things up any worse than they already were. _At least I can apologize - even if there's no chance we can ever be friends again._ She walked though Lifestation quietly again - was it always so quiet here? - but stopped when she heard voices. Lee's ... and _hers. _Frak! Wasn't that woman ever on duty? Another chance to talk to lee blown all to hell. She poked her head through the shadows to get a better look. Dee was sitting on the edge of the bed and their hands were intertwined on his chest. Lee still looked weak and frail, not surprising after being shot in the chest, but there was a look of happiness on his face. She pulled back and left, sighing sadly.

**oooooooooooooo**

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Lee asked gently, rubbing his thumb across the top of her hand. "I mean with Billy dying ..."

Tears came into her eyes. "I cared for Billy, really I did, but he just wasn't ..." She stopped and sniffed. "I'm going to miss him, but I just didn't feel like I had a future with him, you know? That's why I approached you and asked ..."

Lee smiled weakly. "I didn't give you any help did I?"

"No - you just made it worse." She gave a little laugh. "It's okay, I understand the situation was confusing. I just felt like it was time for me to move on , and ... I wanted it to be with you," she finished shyly.

"Okay," he said in a near-whisper. "I just don't want you to feel rushed into anything."

"I'm more concerned with how _you _feel about it. You were the one who was hesitant ..."

"You just caught me off-guard. I needed some time to think. My life has been rather ..." he fished for the right word.

"Chaotic?" she supplied.

"Yes, 'chaotic' lately. I hardly know which way is up, and life keeps throwing me curve balls ..." He thought involuntarily of Kara and their almost-night of passion. "I just had to think things through, make sure this was what I wanted. I didn't want to end up hurting you."

"You could never do that."

"You'd be surprised how good I can be at hurting people." There was an edge to his voice that she didn't miss.

"Well, I won't let you, okay?"

Lee smiled, then a tremor of the curtain near his bed caught his eye. For just a split second he thought he saw Kara's face. Then it was gone. A wave of pain shot through him. _I thought she was my friend - the least she could do is come and see me._ And the pain turned to anger. _What do I need a friend like that for anyway? All she ever does is use people ... and then discard them. Like she did with Zack, with Anders ... now she's nearly killed me too! The best thing she can do is stay away!_ But a little piece of his heart that had always had Kara written on it broke, and he turned to look at Dee, the face of his future.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

In the Shadows - chapter 2

**ooooooooooooo**

Lee was finally back on his feet. He was working, though not back to flight status yet. Which was okay by him, it meant more time on Galactica - more time with Dee. He spent a fair amount of time in CIC while Kara and Helo took on the more active responsibilities of the CAG's job. It wasn't like he and Dee could _do _anything in front of the whole room full of people, but just being near her offered him comfort and strength. And being away from Kara was an added bonus. She hadn't come to see him once in the ten days he'd spent in recovery _probably hoped I'd die, _he thought bitterly, and wouldn't look him in the eye at all. When he talked to her (more like gave orders), she stared at a spot behind his head and answered only with 'yes sir' or 'yes Captain'. Nothing else. No personal words at all. Lee could hardly believe how cold-hearted she was. _She certainly had me fooled - all these months I thought she actually cared. Things have always been difficult because of Zack, but we'd developed what I _thought _was a good solid friendship. It was all a lie, _he thought sadly. _All a lie._ But then he'd remind himself that all that didn't matter - he had Dee now, and she was everything Kara wasn't. Sweet and caring, quiet and feminine, never liking to stir up trouble. No matter _what _ happened, she would never turn on him the way Kara had.

But there was a part of him that still ached for Kara. he wished she'd come and talk to him, apologize, yell at him ... whatever. He missed her - annoying and difficult though she always was. She'd been like the other half of him since he'd come aboard Galactica. It had been tough fitting in and making a home here, and she'd been the only one to help. _Remember, she was just using you - that's Kara's specialty._

"Frakking confusing," he growled quietly to himself, but Tigh was close enough to hear his muttering.

"Captain?" he asked, a questioning look on his face.

"Nothing," Lee replied, cheeks going pink. "Just talking to myself."

Tigh just looked at him like he had a few screws loose.

"Yeah? Frak you too," he said under his breath as Tigh walked away. For some reason he'd just been unable to stomach Tigh and his attitude lately. _Guess Kara and I have something else in common, _he thought, then reminded himself that he didn't want to think about her. Better to think of Dee. He glanced over at her and smiled briefly. They were having dinner tonight and he was very much looking forward to it. Not that they'd be completely alone, but they'd agreed to eat at a table off in the corner of the mess hall where no one usually sat. Then ... then he had secret plans to take her to the observation lounge. He hoped she'd be pleased with his surprise.

**oooooooooooooooooo**

"Okay Kara, what the hell is your problem?" Helo asked, after she'd chewed him out for the third time in one shift.

"Problem? I don't have a problem. _You _seem to be the one with the problem today," she snarled back.

"Come off it Kara, you can't lie to me."

"Frak you Karl."

"You wish, now tell me what's wrong and cut the bullshit alright?" He stood with his hands on his hips, staring at her. Kara smiled in spite of her pissy mood. It was either a very brave or very stupid man who'd stand up to her like that. Karl definitely fell into the brave category, and also the select few who knew her well enough to know when she was hiding something.

"Well, that's better," he said, smiling back. "What's bothering you?"

Kara looked up at him sadly, with dark, almost brown eyes. He made a sympathetic face. "It's Apollo isn't it?"

Her bottom lip quivered a little but she was able to keep the tears from her eyes. "I just can't believe ..." She stopped. How could she explain something even _she _didn't understand?

He watched her carefully. "Kara?"

She just shook her head.

"You love him, don't you?"

"Karl ..."

"No bullshit, remember?"

She stared at him for a full minute before answering. "Yeah. But I can't."

"Why not?" he shrugged.

"You _know_ why."

Karl 'Helo' Agathon had been Kara's best friend since she'd come to serve on Galactica three years earlier. The two of them had hit it off as soon as they'd met and quickly developed an easy friendship. Kara had found herself needing to talk, and it had only seemed natural to share her sorrows with him, although she'd never told him _why_ Zack had died - the first person she'd confessed that to had been Lee on the day the cylons attacked.

"Kara, Zack has been gone three years already. I don't think he'll have a problem with you loving his brother. Apollo's a good guy. Mostly anyway," he added, having felt Lee's wrath on occasion since returning to Galactica.

"_I _have a problem with it."

"I thought he was with Dualla though," he said, a confused look on his face.

"He is," she answered tartly.

He watched her carefully. "I see," was all he said. "Have you ever told him ..."

She laughed harshly. "Told him what? 'I love you Lee, but I feel so incredibly guilty about wanting to frak Zack's brother, so it's never going to happen.' What would the point be?"

"At least maybe if you were honest he'd know where you stand," he offered. "The truth is always the way to go."

"I _was_," she whispered reflectively. "It made him push me away."

"You told him about Anders," he guessed.

She nodded and the tears won their battle and began to pool in her eyes. "He won't even speak to me now."

"Did you ever go see him after ... the shooting?"

She looked at him sorrowfully. "I couldn't."

"Well maybe that's why he's pissed at you. You shot him and then you couldn't even be bothered to go see if he was okay? I thought you two were friends."

"We are! I mean ... we were ... I don't know what we are now. I did go a couple of times but ... _she _ was there and I just couldn't ..."

Helo shook his head. "You two are really frakked up, you know that?"

"Gee, I hadn't noticed," she threw out sarcastically.

"So, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Do?"

"You have to do something. It's obvious it's eating at you ... and I don't need you riding _my _ass because you're pissed off at him."

"It's not just him," she said quietly, rubbing her eyes. He noticed again the dark circles under them. She really did look like shit lately - he knew she'd been pushing herself hard, both in the gym and on duty. Almost as if she was trying to purge herself of her personal demons.

"Anders - you still feel bad about leaving him."

"Bad doesn't even _begin _to describe it. I think I've become obsessed with it. Not to mention that whole situation with Scar. We lost so many promising people - good people," she said sadly.

Helo nodded, he understood. He'd watched the dynamic between crew members throughout the whole thing, and he knew she bore the brunt of the guilt - partially because she took it on herself, having been their trainer, but partially because Kat had been in her face constantly, blaming Kara for everything. _If she could only walk a mile in Kara's shoes, _he thought, but then again, she probably wouldn't make it. She was tough, there was no question about that, but _no one_ was as tougher than Kara, and if she was coming unraveled ... well , look out. She was a ticking time bomb, and _he _it seemed, was the only one with the ability to diffuse her. _Would have thought that would be Apollo's job, _he thought, but Apollo was obviously a big part of Kara's problems. He hadn't been around to witness their developing friendship but from all he'd heard, it was something to be reckoned with. From Kara's reaction to the rift in that friendship, it obviously meant a hell of a lot to her.

He put an arm around her shoulders impulsively. "You're going to have to talk to him eventually if you want to work things out."

Kara sighed and buried her face in his chest. But she didn't cry, though the tears stung her eyes painfully.

**ooooooooooooooooooo**

"Lee, I've really had a nice evening." Dee smiled at Lee, sitting beside her, arm around her shoulders. They tore their eyes away from the stars and stared at each other. Lee smiled back. It had been a nice evening. Dinner had been relatively quiet, and somewhat free of stares, and relaxing in the observation lounge was something Lee had never done in all his time on Galactica.

"It's different being on this side of the glass," he said, motioning towards the window. "I'm usually the one doing the entertaining."

"And you are entertaining. Watching you fly is like ... magic."

Lee felt an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. She'd been trying to compliment him, but it had done exactly the opposite. How many times had she been here with Billy? Obviously quite a few from the sound of things. _Well, Billy's out of the picture now and she belongs to you, _he thought, but he knew that it was an unfair one. Billy was gone, true, but not because she'd made a clear choice between them. The discomfort radiating from her on Cloud Nine that fateful evening he'd been shot, hell they'd _both _been shot, had told him that though she was pursuing him, she really hadn't left Billy completely behind. And Billy ... he obviously hadn't known about her feelings. She'd dumped him right when he'd proposed to her - that had to hurt, but hadn't told him why.

"Lee, are you okay? Something wrong?"

"No, nothing," he smiled, forcing those uncomfortable thoughts out of his mind. "I've got to get to work soon though," he said, glancing at his watch. "I'm on duty in half an hour."

"Well, let's make the best of that time then, shall we?" she said, leaning close and half-closing her eyes.

Lee sighed inwardly and leaned towards her, joining his lips with hers. The kiss deepened and they began to explore each other's mouths, but something was missing. The fire, the passion that came with knowing you were with the person you were meant to be with. _Like it was with Kara. It was fast and furious but oh, the fire! It felt like she was going to consume you completely - and be honest with yourself Lee, you wanted her to. So why the hell did you stop it and ruin things?_

A few minutes later, Lee ended the kiss and pulled back. "I really have to go and get ready. Need to change and prep my ship before launch."

"Oh, okay," Dee said sadly. "I understand." Kissing Lee had been everything it hadn't with Billy. She'd cared for Billy, but somehow something had been missing with him. Wasn't love supposed to be fiery and passionate? Not calm and unemotional like it had always been. He'd been a good man - solid and dependable - the kind who would never have cheated on her. The kind who'd have been a good husband. But there was no fire ... no passion ... and so, she'd dumped him and moved on. This ... this was really living. But she felt as though Lee was holding back, as though he wasn't willing to throw himself body and soul into this. _Maybe he just needs time - he's been through a really tough ordeal lately. Give him a chance to come around._

Lee took her hand and led her out of the lounge and then kissed her cheek chastely as he turned to leave. "Thank you for a really nice evening Dee. Can we do it again sometime?"

"Of course." She smiled and squeezed his hand.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight. Be safe out there."

"Of course," Lee said, making a promise he knew he couldn't keep. They never knew when they went out if they'd come back, and she knew it too. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As Lee entered the hangar bay a short while later, he saw Kara, suited up and prepping her Viper. Frak! Did they have to fly together for the next three hours? What a way to ruin a good evening! But though he was irritated at the thought of spending so much time with her, his heart pounded in excitement too. Flying with Kara was always exciting, always challenging. She pushed the barriers all the time, even when doing a routine CAP. _Nothing about being with Kara is routine - she pushes every boundary known to man, and then some!_ But it wouldn't do to be thinking thoughts like that. Kara was out of his life now, there was no chance for anything between them - not even friendship it seemed.

"You ready Captain?" she said, noticing him climbing into his cockpit. Lee just nodded brusquely. "Let's go then."

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

In the Shadows - chapter 3

**oooooooooooooooo**

**Two weeks later ...**

It had been three weeks. Three weeks now since Lee had been shot, _since I shot him,_ and they had yet to have a conversation. One that didn't include orders that is. Sure, they'd had to work together plenty since Kara had taken over part of Lee's job, but since Helo was usually at those meetings, nothing personal was ever said, though he did often give her an elbow, or the 'eyebrows', daring her to broach the subject with Lee. But somehow she couldn't.

It was as if Lee knew her schedule off by heart - he avoided every place she'd ever be off-duty and even took to sleeping elsewhere, _her bed perhaps, _so he wouldn't have to see her. Kara never considered herself the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even _she _got the picture - Lee didn't want to talk to her. Didn't want to be with her at all outside of work. _Helo's right though - this is never going to get resolved if we don't talk, so hard as it is, I have to do it._

She checked the schedules carefully, finding a time that Dee was on duty when Lee wasn't. Not an easy task, but after a couple of days, it was accomplished, and the plan was put into action. She'd recruited Helo to help out - he'd been more than willing - and his job was to get Lee alone in the CAG's office, ostensibly to talk about flight rotations, or whatever he could think of that needed Lee's personal attention. Anything to get him alone. Then Helo would leave and Kara would come in and put the second half of the plan into action - the 'get Lee to talk about what's wrong with us' part. _Helo, you lucky bastard, _she thought. _You get the easy part!_

Kara strolled along the corridor outside Lee's office, clipboard in hand in case she met anyone, waiting for Helo to emerge. She paced past the office several times, thankfully not encountering anyone.

Finally Helo emerged, looking optimistic. "Alright, go ahead," he whispered. Then he gave her a quick squeeze. "Good luck."

She pushed open the door and headed in.

"Something else Helo?" Lee said without looking up.

Kara sat in the chair opposite him, the desk between them. "We need to talk," she said without preamble.

Lee's head shot up, surprise evident in his eyes. "I don't think we have anything to talk about," he said flatly.

"Yes we do," she said firmly, looking him straight in the eye.

Lee stood up. "Listen, I have a lot of work to do, I really don't have time for this."

"Lee, please," she begged, also standing. "I need to talk to you."

"Maybe you should have tried a little harder when I was lying in a hospital bed," he said spitefully, eyes grey and cloudy. "I was a captive audience then."

Kara flushed, unable to voice her thoughts.

"Exactly," Lee said, stalking past her. "I don't think we have anything more to say to each other." He stood at the hatch, holding it open for her to exit.

She walked towards him and paused before him, a pleading look in her eyes. Lee felt a prickling pain in his chest, but quickly reminded himself that _Kara _was the one who kept hurting him. She deserved the cold treatment.

"I'll see you on the flight deck, Captain," he said coldly, shutting the hatch behind her.

Kara stood beside the door, leaning heavily against the bulkhead. The tears threatened to come but she fought them fiercely. She took deep breaths, but still they continued, stubbornly trying to work their way out of her eyes. Finally she gave up and headed back to the bunkroom, tears blinding her as they pooled and spilled down her cheeks. The clink of the hatch as Lee had closed it had been the final nail in the coffin. He hadn't just closed the door on her, he'd closed his heart to her. And the despair that settled over her was blacker than any she'd experienced ... since Zack's death.

**ooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Three days later ...**

He hadn't spoken a word to her. Not one. Not in three days. He'd given whatever orders were required through Helo, ensuring that he hadn't had to face her again. _What a coward, _Kara thought. _I always thought 'Apollo' was so brave, but he's scared to face me. _But though these thoughts gave her a small measure of comfort, it wasn't enough to pull her out of the hole she was quickly spiralling into.

She began to drink again. Heavily. She'd been trying to lay off lately, noticing that it was affecting her performance. She only drank when she was off-duty of course, but the hangovers and lateness for shifts was becoming noticeable and even Helo was reprimanding her. Of course Lee wasn't - he was avoiding her altogether, but Kara felt sure, in her more sober moments, that every infraction of the rules was being noted and marked down on her file because Lee ... Lee noticed everything.

"Starbuck," Helo said reprovingly. "You can't schedule Flipper for CAP at noon, he's already on viper alert then."

Kara shook her head to clear it. "Yeah, okay, whatever," she said, unable to get her brain out of it's fog.

"Kara," he said, grasping her shoulders and pulling her to face him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," she lied, denial as always, an addict's best friend.

"Bullshit you are."

"Just leave me alone Karl, okay? If I say I'm fine, I'm fine," she said angrily, pulling away from him.

"Hey, don't you walk away. We can get through this - I know we can."

"I don't need your help. Look where it got me last time!"

"So Apollo's still ticked at you. Give him some time to get over it."

"I don't care if he gets over it! I don't need him. I don't need _anyone!_" she said firmly, glaring at him.

Helo held his hands up in the air in surrender. "Fine, whatever. Don't say I didn't try." He walked away, disappointment evident in the carriage of his body.

_How many other relationships can I frak up? _Kara asked herself. _Are there even any left?_ She sat at her desk, well, Lee's desk really, poring over flight schedules, trying to make sense of them. It just gave her an even bigger headache. _This is really stupid, _she thought. _Everything's stupid. Men are stupid - who needs them anyway?_

She rummaged around in the desk, looking for a form she needed to fill out, and found an unopened bottle of ambrosia tucked at the back. _Should I? _she wondered. _I'm on duty, I really shouldn't - but one drink will cure this wicked hangover ... and besides, this is the bottle I gave him for Colonial Day. If it's still here _now,_ well then, I guess he's never planning on drinking it! _And so she opened it and took a swig, the warm, brown liquid burning a trail down to the pit of her stomach.

Some time later, Kara wasn't sure how long, the hatch opened and Lee strode in. He stopped dead when he spotted the open and nearly empty bottle of ambrosia on his desk. _What the hell ...?_ Then he spotted Kara, nearly passed out on the couch. He sighed heavily and walked over to her, slapping her face none too gently to rouse her.

"Huh, what?" she said, bleary-eyed as she sat up.

"You're drunk," he stated flatly.

"Am not. Just resting," she argued, rubbing her eyes furiously and wishing the throbbing in her head would go away.

"Yeah, and fairies came and drank an entire bottle of _my _ambrosia while you were sleeping. Uh huh." Lee nodded condescendingly.

"Hey, I just had a little," she slurred, standing up and wobbling on her feet. "I'll go finish those flight schedules."

"The only place _you're _going is the brig.

"You can't do that!"

"Yeah? Watch me," Lee said , folding his hands over his chest.

"You don't outrank me - I'm acting CAG," she said belligerently.

"But I _am _the CAG and I'm relieving you for being drunk on duty." Kara glared daggers at him. "Down to the brig missy. March."

"That's Captain to _you,_ you stupid son of a ..."

"You want more charges added?" he interrupted icily. "Like insubordination, disrespect of a superior officer ..."

"How 'bout striking a superior _asshole_," she suggested, eyes narrowed.

"Go ahead," he offered, walking up to stand before her. His eyes were a steady slate blue as they met hers.

Kara sniffed. "You're not worth it," she said loftily, brushing past him on her way out the door.

Lee's nose wrinkled - she smelled like a distillery. He followed her though, slamming the office door behind him.

"What's your problem?" she hissed at him as they walked the corridors.

"My problem?" he asked incredulously. "My problem? Well Kara, my problem is _you. _You keep frakking up, and I keep having to clean it up. And I'm officially sick of it."

"Poor Lee," she murmured sarcastically. "Your life is so hard."

"You mean since I got shot," he said nastily.

They both stopped and turned to stare at one another angrily. The stare held for a full minute, then Kara's eyes dropped to the ground and she fought back the tears. She blinked rapidly several times then turned and began walking again.

Lee watched her for a few steps before continuing. Her shoulders were bowed and the spring was gone from her step. Starbuck had fallen away and only Kara remained - the broken, vulnerable woman that hid behind the mask. He felt a pang of guilt that only _he _was able to reduce her to this, then he quashed it and followed her.

**ooooooooooooooooooooo**

"You want to tell me what's going on?" Adama demanded of his son.

"What?" Lee answered, honestly not having a clue what his father was talking about. His mind was elsewhere - had been for most of the day.

"I got a report that Starbuck's in hack, and _you _put her there. You don't think that's important enough to tell me about?"

Lee flinched at his father's scathing tone. Right - _that. _ "She was drinking on duty. I couldn't allow that. Especially since it wasn't the first time."

"She's been drunk on duty before?" Adama sounded surprised.

"Well, no, not drunk, but she's been drinking very heavily lately and she's missed shifts and been hungover at briefings several times. We can't let that continue."

"I agree, but just throwing her in the brig isn't going to solve the problem." Lee wrinkled his eyebrows. "Kara doesn't drink like this unless there's a problem. The last time this happened ..." Adama trailed off, lost in thought for a moment. "Was after Zack died," he added quietly, a myriad of thoughts running through his head. He'd felt the tenseness between Kara and Lee - not that that in itself was unusual; they had a habit of clashing frequently, but usually there was a fight and it all sorted itself out. This long, drawn-out silence between them was something new. He was certain it had something to do with Lee's shooting. Things had changed - many things - since then, but he had a feeling that it was the shooting itself that had put a rift in their relationship. When Kara had come unhinged after Zack's death, Adama had thought it was because of the grief of losing someone she loved, but after her confession about Zack not being ready to fly a viper, and admitting her guilt, he wondered if it had been the guilt that had done it. And that would make her behaviour now make sense - she'd shot Lee - very nearly killed him, and the guilt was probably eating her alive. Nearly killing any one of her fellow officers would be extremely painful but Lee ... one of her closest friends, not to mention _another _Adama. The guilt had to be overwhelming. He wondered what she'd have done if Lee _had _died - turned her gun on herself perhaps? He was pretty sure she couldn't have borne to face him, knowing she'd been responsible for both of his son's deaths. Nor would she have been able to live with herself. Not that she was really living, obviously.

"Maybe you should have a talk with her," he suggested, but Lee shook his head.

"I can't."

"You can't?"

"We can't ... talk. We just fight."

"Maybe you should _learn _then."

"No, I can't talk to her now." He was firm, but Adama could see the desperation in his eyes. Lee was hurting too.

"Fine, I'll do it. We need to figure out what's going on," Adama said resignedly.

"Try talking to Helo," Lee suggested. "They're pretty close. Maybe he'll have some idea." But the truth was, Lee knew exactly what was bothering her - guilt. She felt an inordinate amount of guilt over shooting him, and he hadn't exactly made it easier for her. Every time the subject came up between them, he'd just rubbed salt into her open wound, the wound that had opened when Zack had died, and had never really closed, though she'd fooled everyone into thinking she was fine.

Lee felt a flush of shame wash over him. He should have forgiven her - it had been an accident after all - and made sure she knew that he didn't blame her in any way. It's just ... somehow ... fighting with her, being at odds, was easier than letting her in and allowing her to get too close. _That _ was dangerous territory. And territory he didn't want to venture into. Territory he wasn't willing to venture into. _Nevermind whether you're willing or not, _his subconscious told him. _You're taken now - the chance for that has passed._

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

In the Shadows - chapter 4

**oooooooooooooooo**

Kara sat in hack, steaming. Not to mention the lovely headache her approaching sobriety was bringing. She couldn't believe Lee had actually _done _this to her. There was no mirror in her cell, but she was pretty certain there was steam coming out her ears.

She was clinging desperately to her anger because whenever she let it slip, there was such a desolately empty and lonely place inside - the place that Lee used to fill with his friendship and laughter, teasing and banter. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was horribly lonely without him in her life. So she chose to be angry with him instead. And there was much to be angry about, at least in Kara's mind. She was angry about everything - even including the shooting - she even almost managed to convince herself it was _his _fault for jumping in front of the kidnapper, after all, he should have known, should have _sensed _ what she was going to do. He was Apollo, she was Starbuck - they were a team, one always complementing the other.

But the thing that angered her most was his desertion. The fact that he'd completely ditched her once he began seeing Dee. Kara knew that for some people a romantic relationship consumed them and left no room for anything else, but she'd always figured Lee wasn't one of those types. No matter what else happened, they'd stayed close and she'd always expected that that friendship would sustain anything. Obviously she'd presumed too much. The tears pricked her eyes. NO! Mad, angry - that was what she had to be - tears were just not allowed. She had no tears to spare on Lee Adama anymore. He didn't care about her, why should she care about him?

**ooooooooooooooooo**

Lee paced back and forth across the bunkroom as he had for the last quarter of an hour.

"She's in hack _again_?" Dee asked, smirking.

"When _isn't _she?" Lee countered, voice like ice. For some reason he just couldn't seem to let go of his anger at her. She was just so ... irritating! Insubordinate, difficult, foul-mouthed ... and yet so much a part of him it frightened him sometimes.

Dee shrugged. "Oh well, she'll get over it. It's not like she isn't used to spending time there."

"Yeah, but she _shouldn't _be getting herself in trouble so much. What the hell is wrong with her?" He shook his head in frustration.

"It doesn't matter," she said, putting her arms around him.

"Yes it does!" he flared.

Dee pulled away as if stung. Instantly he felt bad.

"I'm sorry Dee, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you." He gathered her into his arms and hugged her tightly, resting his chin on top of her head. "I'm sorry, I just don't know why she affects me this way."

"She's your friend, of course you're worried about her," she said.

"Don't know why I should be - she drives me crazy." He sighed.

"I know. That's what I'm here for - to drive you un-crazy."

"Un-crazy?" Lee smirked.

"It's a word," she said defensively, smiling just a little. "You've never heard of it?"

"Never." He kissed the top of her head. "You're cute.

"Just cute?"

"Not just ..." His lips found hers and they kissed briefly.

"Fun as this is, I've got to be on duty shortly," she said softly.

"All good things ..."

" ... will return." She leaned up and kissed him goodbye. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah." Lee sat on his bunk as she left, dropping his head into his hands. _Kara, what are you doing to me? Why do you plague me the way you do? _ He sighed. _Why can't I get you out of my mind - and my heart?_

**ooooooooooooooooo**

Adama stood, watching Kara do push ups in her cell - her usual way of entertaining herself when captive. She didn't seem to notice he was there.

"Hey stranger," he said softly, breaking her concentration.

She stopped and lifted her head, seeing him for the first time. "Admiral," she murmured, picking herself up off the floor and wiping the sweat off her brow.

"May I come in?"

"Of course," she answered, a small smile lighting her face. He was always the soul of politeness. _No wonder Lee is such a tightass - he comes by it honestly!_

They sat side by side, silently, for several minutes.

"What's going on with you Kara?" he asked gently.

She was about to answer with her usual smart-ass type remark, but instinctively knew he wouldn't appreciate it.

"I ... I ... I'm really not sure," she said honestly.

He took her hand and squeezed it.

"It's about Lee, isn't it?"

She exhaled softly, then nodded. "Yeah."

"He's alive Kara - you didn't kill him." Adama turned his head to face her, and was slightly shocked at the naked pain there.

Her eyes filled with tears. "But I _almost _killed him. What if I had? How could I live with that?" Her voice broke at the end and she involuntarily put a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that was fighting to get out.

"But you didn't. Let's not borrow trouble, okay? Lee is fine, and I'm sure he doesn't blame you for what happened."

"i wouldn't be so sure about that," she whispered. "He hates me."

Adama smiled at her sympathetically. "I'm sure that's not true."

"He won't even speak to me!" she choked out.

"Well, your relationship has always been difficult, hasn't it?"

"Difficult I can handle, this isn't a relationship at all! He's treating me like I'm not even there."

"Kara, you have to understand this is difficult for him too. I know you're hurting," he squeezed her hand, "But he's hurting too. That's twice he's been a hair's breadth away from death in the last couple of months, and I think it's left him feeling a little lost - a little scared. Facing your own mortality is a tough thing to do, and I think sometimes you and Lee feel a little bit invincible - Apollo and Starbuck - heroes of the fleet - always come home no matter how bad the circumstances. He's just had a cold, hard dose of reality and it's left him in a tough place."

"I understand that, but ..."

He held up a hand to stop her from speaking. "Lee is afraid and angry, and he doesn't know how to deal with those emotions. He's familiar with how it feels to be angry with you, and so I think perhaps he's transferring some of those feelings onto you."

Kara looked lost.

"You'll have to be patient with him and let him work some of these things through for himself. You know he won't stay angry with you for long - he always comes back to you."

She smiled sadly. "I need him ... he's ..."

"I know," he said comfortingly. "Try to be patient - all will work itself out right in the end."

But though she tried to appear confident while he was there, inside she was falling apart. The tears came after he'd left, and again that empty feeling inside consumed her. _Please Lee, come back - I need you. I never realized how much I need you ... you're my rock._

**ooooooooooooooo**

Helo strode down the corridor to the ready room, where he'd been told Apollo was at the moment. He wasn't sure exactly _what _he was going to say to him, but he knew he had to say something. Kara was hurting and he couldn't stand to see that. He'd watched her nearly self-destruct when she'd first come to Galactica, after Zack died, and she was certainly well on her way back down that path now. _What is it about the Adamas that makes her crazy? _he wondered, shaking his head.

He walked in to find Lee cleaning up the table and putting his papers away.

"Apollo, you got a minute?"

"Sure Helo, what's up?" Lee glanced at his watch. He only had ten minutes before he needed to be on the flight deck.

"We need to talk about Kara."

Lee's eyes narrowed - this was not a subject he wanted to discuss - with anyone. "Helo, I ..." he began, but Helo was no idiot. He wasn't about to let Apollo worm his way out of this.

"You're hurting her."

"She's the one who shot _me_!" Lee protested angrily. "Don't you think that counts as hurting someone?"

"It was an accident for frak's sake! Surely you know she'd never hurt you on purpose!" he nearly shouted.

"Maybe so ... and then again maybe not. Kara has a way of hurting everyone around her. I'm tired of being the one she always hurts."

Helo glared at him. "What a piece of work you are. I thought you were her friend. _She _thought you were her friend," he spat out angrily. "No wonder she's hurting - you've turned your back on her completely, just when she needs you the most."

"_She _needs _me?_ She's the one who nearly killed me! And she never even had the grace to come see me in Lifestation and apologize!"

"How do you suppose _she _feels about that? Imagine _you _shot your best friend and nearly killed him. How easy would it be for _you _to face him and apologize? Cut her some slack will you? She needs you to be understanding."

"Everyone cuts her too much slack, that's why she gets away with what she does. It's time she grew up and faced real life. There are consequences for her actions and she needs to learn to be responsible." Lee hefted his clipboard under his arm. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go. I'm on duty in a few minutes."

He stalked past Helo, out into the corridor towards the flight deck. He was angry with Helo for bringing this subject back into the forefront of his mind, but he had to concede Helo did have a point. The shooting _had _been an accident, and Kara _was _obviously feeling guilty about it. _So what am I supposed to do about that? _he wondered. _She has a way of frakking everything up - she's already taken away my brother and caused me to nearly lose my father. Now she's almost taken _my _life - when is it going to stop?_ And he made a decision right then and there. _It stops now. I'm not going to let Kara Thrace frak up my life anymore. She is officially _out _of my life for good._

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

In the Shadows - chapter 5

**oooooooooooooooo**

Kara sat in the waiting area, as she had for the past twenty minutes, knowing this was all just a big frakking waste of time. Adama had insisted she see Cottle for a psych evaluation - fearing her mental state was not one hundred percent. _Well no kidding, _she thought. _How could it be, considering the life we live! _But it had gotten her out of hack after only twenty four hours, so there was at least one positive thing about it.

"Well Captain, it's not often we see you around here," he said sarcastically.

"Hey, it's been a while," she responded defensively.

"True. Have you been behaving yourself or are you just patching up your own hurts now?"

Kara glared at him.

"I thought so." He checked the papers Adama had sent down. "So, the Admiral thinks you're losing your marbles, does he?"

"He does not!" she said hotly, standing up quickly.

"Relax Captain, I was just joking." He turned and led her to a curtained off area for more privacy. "Living _here _is enough to cause _anyone _to go stark raving mad," he murmured under his breath, but Kara heard him and smirked. Cottle annoyed the hell out of her when she was a patient, but really, of all the people she knew on this ship, his personality was the closest to hers. In different circumstances she'd have liked him.

As they sat down, he pulled out a clipboard and a pen, ready to take notes. "So, how are you feeling these days?

Kara eyed him with a frustrated look. "Much the same as you I suppose - tired and crabby."

"Physically okay other than being tired?"

"If you consider that I've pulled about ten shifts in a row and had maybe three hours sleep in five days good, then yes, I'm okay."

"Being sarcastic isn't really going to help you, you know."

"Maybe not, but it feels good."

Cottle smirked. "Let's cut to the chase here shall we? You don't want to be doing this, and I sure as hell don't either, so let's get to the point and you tell me what's bothering you."

"So you're my frakking shrink now?" There was open hostility on her face now.

"You know, if I were anyone else you'd be in big trouble for swearing at me."

"You're not anyone else."

"No, and be glad I'm not. As far as we know, there are no shrinks left, so I'm the closest thing. Do me a favour as my first case and be helpful will you?"

Kara chuckled. "That would be a first."

"Every treads virgin territory once in a while. I suspect it's been a long time since _you _were there."

Kara's mouth dropped open. "Did you just ...?"

He nodded.

"Fine," she huffed. "I can't sleep."

"Why not?"

"Dreams ... nightmares."

"About ..." he prodded.

"Caprica."

"I imagine it wasn't pretty." Kara nodded sadly. "So what _exactly _do you dream about Caprica?"

"Sam."

"Sam. Who the hell is Sam?"

"Samuel Anders."

"The pyramid player?" His look was one of disbelief as his shaggy eyebrows raised.

"That's the one."

"Why would you dream about _him_?"

"He's alive."

"Really?"

"Most of the team is. They were high altitude training during the first attack and they've formed a resistance group with some other survivors."

Cottle was watching her narrowly. The picture was beginning to come clear. "So, you met while you were on Caprica, I take it?"

Kara nodded.

"Tell me about it."

She hesitated for a moment, then launched into the whole story. It felt good to tell _someone _ about it. Of course, a good chunk of her problem wasn't Anders - it was Lee. But there was no way this side of hell she was going to talk about _that _with him.

"So is there anything else?" Cottle asked when she was done.

"The usual stuff - you know. Being sick of working all the time - getting irritated with the people you work with - that sort of thing."

But Cottle read between the lines, as usual. "So, you and Captain Adama still aren't getting along?"

Kara's eyes narrowed. "It isn't a problem."

"Are you sure?" The way he said it told her he didn't believe her.

"It won't affect my job," she said firmly.

"Maybe you should resolve your differences the normal way for you two - a good knock-down fist fight. I've got bandages," he added, grabbing a box off a nearby shelf.

Kara threw him a dirty look and hopped off the bed. "We're fine. Are we done here?"

"Just a moment." He disappeared from view and came back a minute later with a small vial full of pills.

"What? No , I don't need ..." Kara began, backing away and shaking her head.

"They're sleeping pills for frak's sake. Just take one when you're off shift and make sure the CAG knows you're unavailable. One of these will knock you flat for eight hours, so DON'T TAKE MORE THAN ONE AT A TIME!"

She reached out and took them, nodding slightly.

"I want to see you in a week for a follow up." His voice brooked no argument.

"Understood," she replied, heading out the door.

**oooooooooooooooooo**

The pills were as good as the doc said they'd be. Two nights in a row Kara took them, and she slept like the dead. No lying awake, no dreams, no hallucinations. It was frakking fantastic. Kara hadn't felt so good in weeks.

Except for Lee. He was mainly ignoring her, but when he _did _have to talk to her, he was cool and professional, treating her like someone he was meeting for the first time. She'd tried a couple of times, calling him back when he'd walked away, but he refused to talk to her, using the excuse that he was too busy and didn't have time to talk. Kara caught him the second time, hot and heavy with Dee in an under-used corridor and threw him an evil look. He'd pulled away quickly upon hearing her footsteps, but after meeting her eyes, turned back and pulled Dee to him, kissing her passionately and allowing his hands to roam over her body.

_Ouch, _Kara thought, turning quickly and walking away. _Not like I was expecting him to dump her and come running to me - yeah that'd be so Lee - but at least being civil would be a start!_ It wasn't exactly unexpected behaviour for Lee though, given the way things had been going lately, but it was still enough to drag Kara's spirits back down into the abyss they'd been heading into.

She sat on her bunk absently staring into space, vial of pills in her hand. She'd just come off shift and was ready for a good night's sleep, despite the fact that it was only eight o'clock in the evening. _Oh well, I've got the early shift in the morning, so maybe it's best I hit the sack now. _She knew there was a game on and that Helo expected her to be there, but she just couldn't seem to drum up the enthusiasm to bother. She didn't want to be with other people. She didn't want to be alone. Truth be told, she didn't really want to _be_ at all anymore.

She glanced at the pills in her hand and an idea suddenly came to her. If _one _pill caused oblivion for eight hours, more would offer comfort for longer, wouldn't it? So she shook a few into her palm and swallowed them instantly. A few minutes passed. Nothing happened. So she swallowed a few more ... then another couple.

Suddenly an intense pain gripped her chest and a strangled cry forced itself up out of her throat. Unfortunately the room was empty, and the hatch was shut securely so no one could hear her. She stood involuntarily and clutched at her chest, gasping for air. It felt as though someone was tightening a huge vice grip around her and she was slowly suffocating. Meanwhile, her heart was pounding a mile a minute, and she was beginning to feel dizzy. Her vision grayed at the edges and then blacked out completely, and she fell in a heap on the floor, empty pill vial rolling under the table.

**oooooooooooooooo**

**Present time ...**

Lee pushed open the hatch, heart pounding in anticipation of spending some quality rack time with Dee. They hadn't had many opportunities to be alone together since the beginning of their relationship, but this evening he was pretty sure the bunkroom would be deserted.

"Voila," he said with a flourish as he ushered her into the senior officer's quarters, but unfortunately his prediction that the bunkroom would be empty was proven wrong. Starbuck was passed out on the floor beside her bunk.

Lee sighed and pushed past Dee, who had stopped in surprise, and knelt beside the prone woman. "Oh Kara," he whispered, shaking his head with pity. "What are you doing? You're going to kill yourself one of these days." He slapped her cheek gently to bring her round. It was then he realized she wasn't breathing.

"Oh gods," he said, face paling. He felt for a pulse but found none. "Oh my gods! She's not breathing ..."

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

In the Shadows - chapter 6

**oooooooooooooooo**

Lee immediately began CPR on Kara, thanking the gods that it was part of their mandatory training and that they'd done a refresher course very recently. As he leant down to listen to her chest, he spied the empty pill bottle on the floor.

"Frak!" he swore under his breath. "Dee!" he yelled, reaching over for the bottle. He threw it at her. "Get to Lifestation - show this to Cottle!"

She took off at a dead run, and Lee checked once again to see if his CPR was working. No luck. He picked Kara up and followed in Dee's footsteps. Kara was no small woman - not short, not slim boned - but in Lee's arms she seemed fragile and tiny as her head lolled from side to side.

"Come on Kara, stay with me," he whispered. "Breathe, damn you! Breathe!" He panted heavily with the exertion - Lifestation was two decks below living quarters, at the other end of the ship. "Don't die on me Kara, please!" he begged, sending a silent prayer to the gods to spare her life. Tears formed in his eyes as he remembered all the hurtful things he'd said and done to her in the past month, and he desperately wished she'd live so he could apologize.

"Kara, I love you, please don't die! You mean more to me than anyone," he murmured, oblivious to the curious looks of everyone he passed en route.

"Put her here now!" Cottle shouted tersely as Lee rounded the corner and entered Lifestation. Lee did as he was told, and Cottle and his team of nurses moved to surround Kara. "Out of the way," he said brusquely, giving Lee and Dee a fierce look.

They retreated back to the waiting area, Lee collapsing into a chair and dropping his head in his hands. Dee paced around helplessly, hearing Cottle shouting orders at the nurses, and watching Lee, knowing he was hearing everything as well. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's go," she whispered.

Lee suddenly came to life, eyes blazing as he looked up at her. "No! I'm staying here till I know if she's alright!"

Dee stammered a little, surprised by his outburst. "Um ... uh ... okay ... I guess I'll let your father know then?"

Lee nodded, knowing he should say something to comfort her, but not really caring at the moment. He dropped his head back into his hands, not wanting to face her. Hopefully she'd get the hint and go. She did, and left quickly. _Gods Kara - what have you done to yourself? What have I done to you? Was it all my fault? Oh Kara, I never meant for you to kill yourself! I love you ..._ A single tear escaped his eye and wound it's way down his cheek as he sat listening to them working hard to resuscitate her.

"Pull the tube - crash cart now - hit it!" A pause. "Again! ... Again!" Another pause and suddenly Lee could hear the beeping of the heart monitor. "She's tachy ... yes ... five CC's ... good, it's steadying." There was obvious relief in Cottle's voice. Lee's heart pounded - she was alive!

A few minutes later Cottle came out into the waiting area and sat beside Lee. "She's stable - I think she'll make it," he offered, seeing the misery on the younger man's face. Lee just nodded, unable to speak. "Do you have _any _idea how many she took?"

Lee shook his head and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "The bottle was empty when I found her."

"She took them _all_?" Lee shrugged. Cottle shook his head. "It's a frakking miracle she's alive," he said gruffly.

Lee turned to look directly at him. "Only thanks to you," he said, the relief evident on his face.

The doc waved it aside. "That's my job. Now, _your _job is to make sure she doesn't do something like this again. I have enough work without suicidal people making more for me."

"Me? My job?"

Cottle gave him a long look under the shaggy eyebrows. "You're the only one she listens to, obeys ... trusts. You're her only real friend. You need to be there for her."

_He's right Lee - Kara has tons of acquaintances, but no real friends except you. You've got to apologize and regain her trust. _ He raised his eyebrows. Yeah, _that _was going to be easy. But he had to do it - Kara needed him.

"Can I see her?" he asked tentatively.

Cottle nodded. "She'll be asleep for a while though. I managed to pump out most of the sleeping pills, but some would have still been absorbed into her system. I don't anticipate she'll be up for a quite a while yet."

"I'll stay with her till she wakes up."

"Like I said, it'll be a while ..."

Lee turned on him, a steely look on his face. "Some things are more important than work." And he stalked past Cottle into Lifestation.

Cottle smiled to himself. More than all the counselling and medication left, _this _was what she needed to become whole again. Reconciliation with Lee Adama.

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Lee sat by her bedside, holding her cold, almost lifeless hand in his. She looked so fragile, clinging to life by a bare thread. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. Just a few short weeks ago, _he'd _been the one clinging to life by a thread after she'd been the one to wound him. Now here _she _was, barely alive because of him. He couldn't help but let his imagination wander to what might have happened, had Kara been the one to sit at his bedside after the shooting. _Not like she really had much chance, _he had to admit. _Everytime I woke up, Dee was there. Maybe ... maybe Kara never had a chance to be there. Maybe she was too scared to be there and talk in front of someone else. Of course, she could have asked Dee to leave ... _But for the first time he realized Dee had been smothering him. Using _him _to forget about Billy. Using _him _as her way to forget that her lover (wait, ex-lover) died because she'd dumped him for someone else. _Maybe that's what Kara saw - Dee being around me all the time and never allowing for anyone else to be there. Maybe she felt like I didn't need her anymore. What a joke! These past weeks we've been hating each other have been hell for me!_

He squeezed Kara's hand. "I'm so sorry Kara. I never meant to hurt you. Sometimes you just drive me crazy and I say things I really don't mean. Please forgive me," he whispered, eyes closing as the tears began to fall.

Sometime later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. The tears had stopped and now his eyes were dry and sore. He let go of Kara's hand and wiped his eyes, looking over his shoulder to see who it was.

"Dad," he said softly.

"Lee." Adama sighed and squeezed his son's shoulder. "She'll be okay. You know Starbuck, she never quits."

"She did this time." Lee turned to look at Kara's pale face, blonde hair fanned out across the pillow. "She gave up - tried to end it all," he said, nearly choking on the words.

Adama's grip on Lee's shoulder tightened a fraction. "Maybe it was an accident. She hasn't been herself lately - maybe she just made a mistake and took too many."

"The whole bottle?" Lee whispered, turning an anguished face back towards his father.

Adama took a deep breath but didn't answer right away. "I think we'll have to wait till she wakes up to find out the truth. Stay here - she'll need you when she wakes up."

Lee put a hand on his father's a gave him a sad smile. "Thanks," he whispered.

"I expect to hear from you the minute there's news," Adama said, finally letting go and walking around the bed to Kara's other side. He leaned over and kissed her forehead lightly. "Wake up soon," he said softly, and brushed a few stray locks away from her face.

As Adama walked out of the partially curtained area that was now Kara's space, he nodded his head a fraction at Cottle, who got the message and followed him out into the waiting area.

"How is she doc?" Adama asked quietly.

"Hopefully she'll pull through."

"Hopefully?"

"I think so. I think we managed to clear out most of the drug. Now it's just a matter of her body resetting itself. There's always the chance ..."

Adama nodded solemnly. He knew medical science was not exact - especially here and now - and sometimes all you could do was the best you could, and then you prayed that it was enough.

"What happened here? How could things have gone this far?"

Cottle shrugged. "I only have theories."

"Let's hear them."

"I thought you didn't like guessing."

"Right now, I'm open to anything. I need to know what happened to her, and _you _are the only person she talked to, so give me your thoughts on what happened."

Cottle pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it and took a big drag. "I think the pressure's been too much for her to handle, so she's been bottling it up. Maybe for months already; who knows. I think the whole Caprica thing really threw her for a loop - she's having nightmares and been unable to sleep because of it, but I think the thing that finally caused her to hit rock bottom was her fights with your son." Adama's left eyebrow rose, but he said nothing. "Starbuck is tough, tough as they come, there's no doubt about that, but she's always had Apollo to vent to, to blow off steam with, to keep her on an even keel when things go wrong. He has a balancing effect on her that no one else has, and lately things have been getting pretty tense between them."

"You've noticed that too?"

"it's hard not to," Cottle said dryly. "This ship is like an ice palace these days."

A low growl of assent came up from deep in Adama's chest, but didn't quite vocalize as anything definite. Cottle took it as agreement though.

"Thank you for telling me. I know - patient confidentiality and all that - but I can't help her if I don't know what's going on."

"Just keep it to yourself, okay?"

"You have my word." Adama headed out into the hallway, but turned back for a brief moment. "Let me know as soon as there's anything to report."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Lee felt her stirring before he opened his eyes. He'd dozed off, head leaning on the bed, one hand still clasped around hers. He lifted up his head and looked anxiously at her, to find two clear green eyes staring around the room curiously. Eventually they landed on him, and just as quickly looked away.

Gods, I can't even die without frakking up," she whispered, tears coming into her eyes.

**TBC**

**A/N: **To any of you who are medical students or staff, I apologize if I got the medical stuff wrong. I just guessed at how it would go from the few times I've seen medical dramas on TV. I realize it's probably not correct, but try to ignore it and enjoy the story anyway. Thanks!


	7. Chapter 7

In the Shadows - chapter 7

Sorry it's taken so long everyone, too many stories going at one time! I think we're in the homestretch here - probably only one more chapter, and I'll try to do it before updating anything else. Thanks for sticking with me so long!

**ooooooooooooooo**

"Kara," Lee began, tears pricking at the backs of his eyes again.

Kara gave him a look that said everything and it took Lee's breath away; _he _was the reason she'd done what she did.

"Just go," she said softly, looking away as the tears began to trickle out of the corners of her eyes.

Lee leaned forward to touch her face gently but she flinched away from his touch.

"Kara, please ..." he whispered.

"Leave me alone." Her voice was deadly quiet. "Just go."

"I'll be back," he promised, wiping the tear that had escaped his eye.

"Don't hurry, I know you don't really care."

"That's not true!" he blazed. "I care, I've always cared."

Kara turned to face him again, and though her face was still deathly pale, her eyes were fiery. "You have a fine way of showing it! With friends like you, I don't need enemies. On the other hand, at least I can trust my enemies to treat me the same every day and not be nice one day and hate me the next. Maybe I should go back to Caprica and join the cylons," she added remorsefully.

"You don't mean that."

"How the hell do you know what I mean? You've been treating me like I don't exist for weeks now. How the hell can you possibly know _anything _about me?

"I know you shot me and that _you_ never even bothered to come and see how I was doing!" Lee retaliated, anger rising to the surface again.

"Maybe if you'd get your head out of your ass, you'd realize there's more going on in your life than just Dee. She seems to be blinding you to everything else," she spat spitefully.

"Now, now, it's time for you to leave. You're annoying my patient," Cottle interrupted, hearing their raised voices and hoping to diffuse things.

"I'm annoying ... ?" Lee said disbelievingly. He huffed. "Fine, I'll go."

Kara sniffed and glared at him. He glared right back.

"You take it easy there Captain. I'll be back to check on you shortly."

Cottle escorted Lee to the door.

"I'm sorry doc, I shouldn't have ..." Lee began, contrite now, and wishing he'd kept his mouth shut.

Cottle shook his head. "Don't be. At least you two are talking. That's the first step to healing. You'll just have to put that argument on hold till she's a little stronger."

Lee nodded. "Understood."

**oooooooooooooooooooooo**

Was Kara right? Was he so firmly stuck in trying to make his relationship with Dee work that he was forgetting about everything else? Maybe, but no one else was complaining about his lack of devotion to duty, or about being ignored. _That's because no one else is as close to you as she is, _he told himself. _The two of us have always had a connection somehow - almost magnetic, that draws us together, even against our will. If only we could just wash our hands off each other and stay apart for the rest of our lives ... it would be so much easier. _But Lee knew that just wasn't possible. Aside from the physical constraints of having to serve on the same ship, they just couldn't seem to stay away from each other. _It's as though we hold a piece of each other's hearts and those pieces are always pulling us back together._

Lee resolved to have it out completely with Kara once she was better. There was no chance of regaining the friendship they'd once considered so precious without complete honesty. And Lee felt better than he had in weeks, knowing he was doing the right thing.

**oooooooooooooooooooooo**

Had she been too tough on him? The truth was, he'd been treating her like crap and he needed to realize it. _But on the other hand, I need him. He's so much a part of me and I just don't seem to be able to function when there's this gaping chasm between us. _And so, for the first time, she was finally beginning to understand how much Lee Adama was part of the fabric of her very soul. It was something she'd shied away from - tried to deny every time the facts arranged themselves in such a way that the picture was obvious. Partly because Lee was someone she'd always considered 'almost family', but mainly because she couldn't stand to admit that she actually _needed _someone as much as she needed him. She'd learned to be self-sufficient from an early age - she'd had little choice - and had developed a hard shell through which no one and nothing could break through. Unless she let them, as she had for Zack. But though she'd trusted him enough to let him in, _she'd _let him in. It had been _her _choice. Lee had slipped in unbidden. Something about him spoke to her very soul and stirred feelings in her that she'd never felt before. With anyone.

More recently, she'd chosen to let Sam in as well, though she'd known that relationship wasn't likely to last, but on Caprica she'd been needy, desperate, and Lee had been thousands of miles away, both literally and emotionally. They'd made up when she'd returned, but somehow things were different between them - tense, uncomfortable, and tempers had flared more easily than usual. _Which is perhaps how we got into this predicament? _But no, it all came back to the shooting. Things may have been difficult for them before that, but they hadn't honestly talked once since then. And Lee was obviously miffed that she hadn't come to see him. She had though, every day, but somehow _she _was always there with him, and her presence made Kara feel ... upset? Jealous? No, threatened. That was it. It wasn't like Lee wasn't allowed to sleep with other women, heck, she'd slept with other guys, but none of them had ever meant as much to her as Lee had. And, _be honest here Kara, _she was afraid that if he was in a relationship with Dee, that she wouldn't come first in Lee's heart anymore. There it was - plain and simple. Lee could be with any woman he wanted, so long as he loved Kara and she was first in his heart. _Well, what a selfish bitch I am, _she thought, tears squeezing themselves out of her eyes again. _I'm happy doing whatever I want, so long as Lee is always hanging, waiting for me. _And she finally realized how selfish and unkind she'd been to him. _I'm going to apologize next time I see him. It's time to get everything out in the open if we want to fix what's wrong between us._

**ooooooooooooooooooooo**

The next few days were rough on Lee, and by default on Dee as well. He'd been very cool and impersonal towards her and he hadn't been willing to give her an explanation. It had come to down to a confrontation eventually.

_"Lee, what's wrong?" she asked, seeing him frown over a stack of papers. She began to massage his neck but he immediately stiffened._

_"Nothing, I'm fine," he answered brusquely, without looking up._

_"Come on," she wheedled, leaning in close and giving his ear a nibble. "You can tell me."_

_He shrugged her away, as though she were a fly. "I'm busy. Got a lot on my mind."_

_Dee finally got the hint and backed off. "Work has never kept you too busy before," she said, voice icy._

_"Well it is now," he retorted._

_She exhaled loudly. "I suspect it's not work that's keeping your mind so occupied."_

_Lee finally turned around to look at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"It means you're thinking about _her, _aren't you?"_

_"About who?"_

_Dee finally flew off the handle. "Don't play stupid with me! I'm not as dumb as you obviously think I am!"_

_"I do?"_

_"Get a life Lee Adama! You're in love with Starbuck, and yet you keep pretending that you care about me!"_

_Lee stood up furiously, blue eyes full of anger. "Is that any worse than what you did to Billy?" he shot back._

_She blanched and stepped back, covering her mouth. "I can't believe you just said that."_

_"And I can't believe you're mad at me for being in love with one person while stringing someone else along. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"_

_"So you admit it?" she asked quietly. "You're in love with her?"_

_"Yes!" he said vehemently, before he could stop himself. Then he deflated visibly, as he realized the magnitude of his confession. "I've always loved her," he said softly. "I don't know why, she drives me insane most of the time, but I just can't help how I feel."_

_"So you were just using me?" she whispered, green eyes filled with sorrow._

_"No, no ... of course not. I was hoping things would work out for us ... that I could forget about her ..." He sighed. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to."_

_"Yeah, well you know where the road of best intentions leads don't you?"_

_"I'm sure Billy would agree with you."_

_"Don't ... don't," she said, covering her mouth again, as if to stop herself from crying._

_"I'm not trying to hurt you more, I just want you to try to understand that sometimes you hurt people without meaning to. Come on Anastasia, I know you well enough to know you would never hurt anyone intentionally, but it happened anyway. And that's what happened here." He lifted a gentle hand and stroked her cheek. "I never meant for you to get hurt, it's just that Kara and I ... well we're ..." And he stopped, realizing that he really couldn't explain what lie between them - it was something that just defied description._

_"I know," she whispered. "I always saw it there - we all did. I just didn't want to believe it. I wanted to think that you could be mine."_

_"So did I," he whispered back. "But as much as I hate to admit it, my heart belongs to Kara."_

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

In the Shadows - the final part

**ooooooooooooooooo**

Kara pushed the blanket aside and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.

"Now you take it easy," Cottle warned. Kara just gave him a look.

"I mean it Captain - you're not cleared for duty yet, and I want to see you again in forty-eight hours. In the meanwhile, take it easy, and do some thinking. I think you've got some issues that need resolving."

"Really," she said dryly, pulling on her tracksuit. "Me? Issues? Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Funny Captain, very funny. We _all _have issues - yours just seem to be bugging the hell out of you these days. And annoying me as well."

"So are you," she said frankly. "Can I go now?"

"Try not to come back again except for your checkup, okay? You bug the hell out of me too."

Kara grinned. Much as she groused at the doc, she had to appreciate his rough personality. It was so much like her own. "Will do. I've got better places to be anyway."

"Like where? The brig?"

Kara shot him a dirty look and walked away.

**oooooooooooooooooooo**

Kara lay on her bunk, book in hand, ostensibly reading, but her eyes just kept sliding over the same paragraph over and over as her mind wandered. She was so lost in thought that she didn't notice someone standing in the hatchway watching her, until he spoke.

"I've just got one question."

Kara's eyes swiveled to the hatch, to find Lee standing there, looking uncomfortable.

"So ask."

He came in and shut the hatch, locking it with the metal rod the pilots used when they wanted privacy, immediately bringing back memories of the night they'd nearly slept together. Lee stood a few paces in from the door, still looking uncomfortable.

"Did you do it on purpose?"

Kara's brow wrinkled as she closed her book. "Do what?"

"Try to kill yourself." His voice was pitched low and even, but though he was halfway across the room, she could see his eyes were full of turmoil. She could always read them like an open book.

"Would you believe me if I said no?"

"I was hoping for an answer, not another question."

"You didn't answer mine either."

"I asked first."

If the situation wasn't so serious, Kara would have burst out laughing. This wordplay was typical of them - they never had _real _conversations, they just played games with one another.

"No."

"Maybe."

"Well that's decisive."

"No? You didn't do it on purpose?"

Kara gave him an exasperated look. "I said no."

"Well, it's not like you're always honest with me," Lee defended.

"Nor you with me."

They stared at one another for a moment.

"Isn't it time we were completely honest with one another?" Lee said finally, holding out the proverbial olive branch. "I know I'm sick of playing games with you."

Kara bit her lip, knowing this was what she wanted as well, but afraid of what might actually come out now that Lee was confronting her on it. Running the scenario through her head was a whole different story - _she _got to make up Lee's responses for him. It might be those responses would be totally different now that Lee himself was going to be giving them.

"Sounds good. You first."

Lee paused a moment, collecting his thoughts and taking a deep breath. This was it. It was time to go out on a limb and see if she hung him from it.

"I'm sorry." He stopped and tried to will his thumping heart to slow. "I'm sorry I hurt you. You were right ... about Dee. I was concentrating so hard on trying to make things work with her that I've ..."

"Why?" Kara interrupted.

"Why?" Lee was baffled.

"Why did you want things to work with Dee?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"Do you love her?"

"Love? I ... I ..."

"I thought not. So why?"

Lee was beginning to get uncomfortable with her pushiness. "Why do _you _care?" he countered, beginning to sound exasperated.

"Why do _I _care?" She sat up and raised her voice. "Why do I care? Because I love you, that's why, you frakking idiot!"

"What?" Lee blinked incredulously. "But I thought ..."

"Well you thought wrong!" she said vehemently.

"But you said you were in love with Anders," he objected.

"I never said that. I said I was hung up on him. Yeah, I care for him, but the only reason I started anything with him was because I thought you hated me. You didn't even want to talk to me, so I thought ..."

"Gods Kara, the only reason i was so upset was because of Baltar."

"I guessed that part."

"We'd been ... we were ... well, it seemed like we were getting closer, and then at the ball things kind of ... and I thought you wanted me ..."

"I did."

"Then why did you ..."

"I don't know. I do stupid things when I'm upset and angry. I drink and then I do things I wish I hadn't."

"Why were you upset that night?"

"I thought ..." she stood up and crossed her arms over her chest, facing away from him. "I thought you wanted me too. I mean, the way you looked at me ... but then you just dumped me and danced with every other woman in the room. And I thought ..."

"I was just being polite. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass being the Commander's son." Lee walked up behind her and stopped so that when he spoke she could feel his breath tickle the back of her neck. "I wanted you that night, make no mistake about that. I was hoping we could ... spend the rest of the night together," his cheeks reddened though she couldn't see them, "but you were gone when I came back to look for you, and I was certain you didn't want me. Then to find out the next day that you'd slept with _him ..._"

Kara turned suddenly and saw his flushed cheeks and the pain in his eyes. "It was you I wanted to be with . You I was thinking of the whole time I was with him. Which," she added, "wasn't long. The man is as self-centered as he is crazy."

Lee couldn't help but smile - she always had that effect on him. He reached down and brushed her hair off her face. "Why couldn't we have just been honest with each other then? All of this wouldn't have happened."

"What about Dee?"

His flush deepened. "I ... I ... I guess I started seeing her because ... well, she made it pretty clear she was interested in me ... and I couldn't have you so ..."

"So we both ended up with the wrong people because we couldn't admit how we felt to the right ones."

"That sounds about right," Lee agreed, a rueful smile on his face. His hand drifted form her hair to her cheek and stroked the smooth, slightly freckled skin.

"So why _her_?" she asked softly. "Just because she made advances?"

Lee took a deep breath. "Partly that, but mainly because she was completely different than you."

Kara's face took on a wounded expression. "Oh, I get it. Because she's a lady and I'm not."

"It's not that at all Kara." He sighed and gazed away from her for a moment, as if looking for strength to continue. "I've been in love with you since the first time I met you." He nodded as her eyes opened wider in surprise. "Yes, when you were Zack's girlfriend. He wrote and told me about this incredible woman he'd fallen for and after meeting you and spending a few days together, I had to agree with him. I didn't like the fact that you were his instructor, but I had to admit that if I'd been him, I'd have done the same thing.:

He blushed. "Ever since then, I've always found myself attracted to women who reminded me of you. Blonde, and explosive. Now that we're stuck here together, I couldn't stop thinking about you though. I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you, doing push ups in your cell." Now it was Kara's turn to flush, remembering what she'd been thinking during that first encounter as well. And how she'd mentally smacked herself for being attracted to Lee.

"After you made it clear you didn't want me, I figured it was time I moved on. And finally tried being with someone as unlike you as possible."

"Yeah, you don't have to tell me, I know. She's nice and pretty, follows orders, doesn't swear or punch you ..."

"Yeah, and it turns out the fiery woman with vehement opinions who'll do anything to defend them is more my style. You know, the kind who follows her heart and doesn't take any shit from anyone?"

"How could you possibly prefer a woman like that to one who's so much more refined and genteel?"

"Passion."

"Passion?"

"I need passion in my life Kara. I don't know if you've noticed, but I tend to be kind of stuffy and do things by the book ..."

"Who, you?" Kara teased.

Lee chuckled in spite of himself. "You are incorrigible."

"It's one of the things you love about me."

"One of the many," Lee added, fingers trailing down her cheek and lightly stroking her lips. His eyes followed them and a hungry look came into them.

"So you need passion in your life to balance your usual tight-assed-ness?"

"I need you," he said, voice low and throaty. And with that, he leaned forward and kissed her, gently but firmly, fingers reaching around her neck to plant themselves in the hair at the nape of her neck. Her hands came up to rest on his chest as she kissed back willingly.

"I love you," he murmured against her lips a few minutes later when the kiss ended. "I fell in love with you the first time I met you, and I've been trying to forget you ever since, but I can't."

"Then stop trying," she whispered, and reached back up to kiss him again. Some time passed before they broke apart and folded themselves into a hug instead.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just couldn't find a reason to live," she whispered, trying to explain more fully what she'd been feeling at the time. It was time for honesty, complete and full.

"Can I be your reason?"

"You always have been."

"Hopefully I always will be," Lee whispered, stroking her hair and loving the feel of it between his fingers. It was so soft and delicate, much like the hidden spirit of the woman who wore it, though outwardly she was all sharpness and angles.

Kara sighed long and hard in Lee's arms. Finally her love for him could be out in the open and not hidden in the shadows any longer.

_The End_

A/N : Thanks for all the lovely feedback. I've really enjoyed writing this story (though I'm glad it's finally at an end) and I'm glad some of you have enjoyed reading it. 


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